Friday, July 26, 2013

Are we our own story?

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this but so be it...I'll dive right in.

Today was confusing...all inner.  I wanted to write about the Wiener story specifically about Huma and their (seemingly long forgotten) child.  But that raised issues of my own family and the fights I'd have if I wrote about it (and still might, now).  My family likes privacy; we're also discussing my life.

Then I went to chanting with Steve Ross at Maha.  And, of course, me, I got more out of it than the chant.  Because my mind was already swirling with past conflicts unresolved.  It all sounds more complicated than it is.  I was still able to get into the chant.  During the chant.  But then...

And I'm not going to go out of my way to share, tweet, etc this post...because sometimes we just don't have to.  And that's actually where I'm headed.  I was reading today in Steve's book about letting go and not just always driving and striving and wanting.  The teacher training is making me question a lot I've been taught (succeed, stay quiet, etc) and I'm not yet at the point of full answers.  But I am getting there.

Steve is very talented.  In many ways - but tonight it was his performance.  Singing, guitar and leading a group into connection.  For him, what he does is natural.  When you are where I am today, well, I'm less natural than I was a few months ago because I'm questioning a lot.

And that's okay because it's where I want to be at this moment.  At some point more answers will come and I'll move on.  We grow by pushing our boundaries.  We improve by pushing our boundaries.  And we find out who we really are by pushing our boundaries.

And I don't need to tweet or share that.

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